My whole life, I always knew the soul purpose for my incarnation this time included becoming a mother. When you spend every day with this knowingness, it feels as though you have already waited a lifetime for it to come to fruition, because it has been just that. I dreamed of the day I would be in a position to start trying for a family of my very own. When that special time in my life arrived, and the stars aligned (so I thought), I was met with excitement, heartbreak and loss. Three times over. I have had three consecutive miscarriages.
Along with my experience came a lot of mental, physical and emotional turmoil and countless medical appointments and procedures. These experiences have changed me and ripped open my heart and soul in unimaginable ways. I will never be the same. We will never be the same. But one thing is for sure, it is a humbling journey, and my mama-heart will stop at nothing to get my babies here.
I was totally in the dark regarding the statistics and shocking reality at just how common miscarriage is. Let alone infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, stillbirth and other complications that can arise.
So many people live a silent struggle and have to carry on with business as usual to keep up with the demands of our daily lives. The problem is, the topic is still fairly taboo. It can be an isolating process and I found so much comfort in chatting with friends who have walked a similar path. I am so grateful to those who open up about the pain they have been through. Reading blogs and finding other resources online have made me feel far less alone in my struggle. Even writing this is healing for me. The pain never completely leaves, but it does soften. My intent is to bring awareness to the topic and help anyone I can with what I have been through.
The statistics are eye opening:
- 12% of reproductive aged women/couples have troubles conceiving or carrying a pregnancy. That’s 1 in 8 women/couples.
- 1 in 4 pregnancies don’t make it.
- 55% of people think miscarriage is uncommon.
Personally, I had no idea about these statistics. Why? Because no one really talked about it. I cringe at the past when I reflect on times where I would boldly ask people about their plans for their family. Please consider the statistics next time you speak with someone about their plans for their family. It’s not unlikely that they could be struggling with one or more of the above. The pain and sting that comes from questions and comments like “When are you guys having kids?”, “When are you and Phill going to start trying?”, or “Have one already!” can be debilitating. Of course the questions are most often innocent and come from kind-hearted people with good intentions.
Another common issue is when people already have one or more children, and it is assumed that since they have already had them, what could possibly go wrong with subsequent pregnancies. Questions and comments such as: “Are you guys going to have more?”, “When is ____ going to get a sibling?”, “You aren’t getting any younger!” can be just as painful. The same statistics apply, and you never know what people are going through behind closed doors.
Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, carrying to full term and giving birth is a GIANT feat.
And on the other end of the spectrum, a lot of people don’t feel “ready”, aren’t sure if they want kids, or are perfectly content without them.
To anyone who has experienced infertility, loss, or recurrent loss, just know you are not alone. You are just as deserving of that family you’ve always dreamed of. Although it may not be the path you imagined for yourself, the hidden lessons will take you to far places, and will stretch your heart in ways that nothing else can.
To my incredible husband and father to our angels, thank you for everything. Your tireless strength, unwavering support and warrior spirit have pulled us through some dark times. I love you endlessly.
My biggest takeaway is this:
You can fall in love with the plan, just don’t fall in love with the timeline of the plan. A lesson in patience and love, that is for sure.